Birthday Winery-palooza

The map of my trip I'm planning for my Birthday! We'll hit up 4 wineries, and then camp for the night and then hit up the last 4. The Monchichi will go camping with us, and it will be a grand adventure!
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Thanks for letting me play, now can I be a mommy again?

I'm back at work. The only thing keeping me sane is my bbcb ladies, the fact that I'm only part time right now, and liking my job. I'm always balancing on the verge of a breakdown. I hate coming home to hear about this awesome new thing she did. I hate missing it. I don't want to be working. I want to be at home, cuddling and playing with and taking care of my baby. I miss her...I'm glad that PapaD is the one to be taking care of her, though. I just keep hoping that he will get a job that can allow me to stay home.

I lost my train of thought...all I know is it takes every ounce of willpower in my body to kiss her on the forehead and walk out that door every day.

Ashamed

I stopped taking my prozac because I was afraid it was hurting my baby. Probably not the brightest decision to make without doctor input, but PapaD made me feel like a failmom because I was taking a medication that could be adversely affecting our child's growth.

Fast forward

I'm nearly in tears. Lil'G woke up at 4:30 this morning fussing. I put her pacifier in and fell back asleep for 10 minutes, only to hear her fussing again. I get up, start a bottle, change her, feed her. Then starts the wrestling match. She WILL NOT LIE STILL. Even if I'm holding her. Flailing...EVERYWHERE. My tiredness and irritability and frustration knows no bounds. I tense up my arms and squeeze her a bit. It won't hurt to just give her a little shake, right? She needs to stop doing this and maybe she'll be startled enough to do so.

Thank goodness my rational brain was awake at this point. I laid her down in front of me on the couch (I'm sitting sideways). She's staring at me. She poops. I sigh. But now I don't trust myself to pick her up. We stare at each other for a while. I post on BBC. She poops some more. I read some posts on BBC and update my facebook status. We stare at each other a while longer. I put her in a sposie because I didn't want to wrestle with her and try to get a PF on her. We stare at each other some more. The guilt I feel for almost shaking her is exceeded only by the fact that she's currently a vision of something I swore she would never be. A baby with a dirty sposie and a pacifier shoved in her mouth and held there with a little more force than necessary.

I'm going back on the meds. Even if the doctor suggests stopping, I'm not going to. I go back to work on Tuesday and I can barely deal with her when I can sleep off and on. I'm terrified of what I will become when I have to do something other than care for her. She has finally gone to sleep. Her 2 month appt is this morning. What am I going to do if she gets fussy today after her shots? What if I hurt her in my frustration? I'm afraid to nap right now because I feel so guilty...like I don't deserve sleep. How am I going to survive this week?

Sans prozac--still alive

Alright. Lil'G's stomach issues are starting to clear up...I think. she still has crazy poos, but they're the correct color, so I'm gonna go with a win on that one. She's still vomiting, though, and that worries me. I have learned a few things this week:

1. People are allergic to avocado and it appears that my child is one of them

2. My child (thank GAWD) is not sensitive to wheat gluten or eggs, so I can eat cookies again

3. She also is not sensitive to chocolate

4. I really really really really really really really really don't want to go back to work, but I must.

5. I can survive my depression without medication--I think

I learned that prozac may have a negative impact on nursing infants' growth. That's right. All this crap trying to get my baby to gain weight faster, and the meds that keep me sane are what is causing my crazy anxiety.

I stopped taking the prozac because I was a little sketchy with it anyway. I'm doing okay. Significantly more irritable than normal, but not super down. I hope it continues to be this way. I also hope that Lil'G starts to gain weight. It's started to worry me when people say "She's so tiny". I feel like she's not, but now I know where the perception lies.

She has an appt tomorrow. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for breaking 10 pounds. That will put her at 2 pounds in 2 months. Average. She was so close last week, I don't know how she can be anything BUT over. But we'll see.

I would right more, but my eyes are crossing. I need to put dinner away and go to bed.

Chocolate Chai Sorbet

that's right...deliciousness

1/2 c sugar

1/4 c cocoa powder

3/4 c chocolate chai rice milk

1/2 tsp vanilla

Put ingredients in a sauce pan and whisk together. bring to a boil 1-2 minutes. Remove from heat and put in a container. Freeze.

Black bean and salsa soup

Black Bean and Salsa Soup

1 lb dried black beans

1 ham hock

1 large box chicken stock

ground cumin

ground coriander

garlic powder

dehydrated onions

oregano

salt

pepper

soak the beans over night and drain

put in a crock pot on high with all of the chicken stock and the ham hock

let cook for 8 hours

remove ham hock

puree beans

add seasonings to taste

simmer on low for 1-2 hours

cut up the meat from the ham hock and return to the pot

serve topped with fresh salsa

Salsa:

roma tomatoes

onion

jalapeno

lime juice

salt

hot sauce

cilantro

garlic

chop finely and mix together

and another score for cream-free frozen treats

Sorbet:

2 c. frozen strawberries

2 frozen bananas, broken into pieces

1/4-1/2 c. rice milk (or alterna milk of your choice)

sweetner to taste

put strawberries and bananas in food processor for 10 minutes to thaw slightly

start food processor.

add milk

continue until smooth, scraping down the sides occasionally.

add sweetner of your choice to taste (liquids work better for blending)