when family is the enemy

Being the bigger person. I've been the bigger person for ages. I've bit my tongue, hidden my feelings, nodded my head, hid in a corner with a book...anything to keep the peace. But I'm done. My family says its because I need to grow up. I say it's because I did.

Aunt CG started this weekend attempting to make things better...in her way. I decided to try to meet her in the middle. We were both pleasant to each other, joking around. I was willing to let the stuff she said to me when Lil'G was born go...move on for the sake of my mom. And then I went to say good bye. And it wasn't good enough that I was working at just letting it go and forgiving...without an apology. She started apologizing to me for my behavior. So I flat out asked her if she felt that what she did was right. She said it was justified because I hurt her first. That's right. It's perfectly acceptable to call somebody a bitch and a whore and tell them they're dead to you...as long as they hurt you first.

She proceeded to kick me out of her house and then told me to grow up (because I unfriended Aunt CM for a status message on FB...ooooh....no....unfriended). I told her she needed to grow up. She proceeded to push me down the stairs of her deck WHILE I HAD Lil'G IN MY ARMS. That's right...she attempted to harm me AND my daughter. I stopped, stunned, and said "I have a baby in my arms!" She came at me and started to choke me shaking me saying "You know what happens when you drop that baby?" She was TRYING to get me to drop Guin, knowing that I could either attempt to defend myself or keep my baby safe. Luckily, she's like 6" shorter than I am, so I stomped on her foot and pushed her off with my elbow. Got away and kept walking.

Got back to my mom's house and she proceeded to tell me how I'm being ridiculous (she claims she told Aunt CG the same thing, I don't remember hearing it). I basically laid out 14 years of emotional baggage in 2 hours. I think I realized at some point, my mom shut down. But I don't think I cared. I needed to tell her all the things I thought and felt about that woman. She still doesn't believe me when I say that she treats me no better than my abusive ex did. Even though we've now gone to the further parallel of both of them choking me because they didn't get their way. Anyway.

My mom asked why the me that showed herself in IC couldn't be the me that showed herself when I visited. I told her "You don't want that B". She looked at me confused. "You have had that B. This is that B. A B that stands up for herself, that calls people on their inappropriate behavior, that isn't afraid of what people think. You don't want that B. You want the B that used to sit on the corner of the couch with a book. You want the B that was afraid to make waves. That B is gone." She asked me why I seemed so much more relaxed with the people in IC. I told her "Because they're not mean to me. They don't rip me apart for my decisions. They don't make me feel like less of a person just by being there. I can tell them they're being a bitch...and we can go our separate ways for a while...and still come back and be friends. Because the people of IC will own up to their mistakes, as will I."

I also told her that Aunt CG is insane and needs help and that by continuing to keep the peace and kiss her ass so she doesn't fly off the handle, they are not helping her. They're harming her. She needs to be held accountable for her actions. She needs to realize that there are consequences. I told my mom that I apologized for hurting her 3 months ago...that was never my intention when I sent the original email asking her not to visit. But I want recognition that she hurt me. That I am a person, too. Nobody in that family has recognized the hurt they caused me. I am supposed to just "be the bigger person" and let it all go...but they aren't. And I'm not going to be a door mat anymore. They can realize that they need to treat people the way they want to be treated.

I have realized that I am standing alone on this one. But I will stand. I have spent therapy and drugs trying to regain my equilibrium. I will be DAMNED if one person will rip that away from me...family or not, her behavior was reprehensible and unforgivable.

After unloading on my mom, I packed up and left. Apparently, so did my mom. My dad thought she was going to my aunt's house, my aunt thought she was at home. finally, at about 8pm, they figured out she was neither. She had been gone for 5 hours at this point. My family, always one to keep it in the family, did not alert the police. Not that they would have done something, but you know...in a town that is 3 square miles, they may have seen her walking around. After fruitlessly searching, I sent out a message on FB to my HS classmates. I simply said she went for a walk 5 hours previous and nobody had heard from her. If anybody had seen her, please call me. Within in 20 minutes, she had been found. Nobody but my brother and sister know that I was the one who found her.

Then my Aunt BJ called...yup...all my fault my mom was missing (because I didn't already feel guilty). If I hadn't done what I did to Aunt CG. Right. Because she carries no blame. When I refused to discuss it with BJ, she stormed up the hill to tell my mom I was a drug pusher because I gave into my cousin (her son) and sold his girlfriend some percocet 2 years ago. I was jobless, had just had surgery, was living with her son and needed money. I haven't asked for the money I never received from that girl in over a year. I just wanted my book back. I got the book, and let the rest drop. So in reality, I gave her some percocet. Whatever. Shouldn't have done it, but you do stupid shit when family asks you to (or I did). She then flipped out on me because I supposedly called her son a drug addict. Ummm...no...I said I was concerned because I knew he was popping Rx pills with his friend. And this was at least 6 months after the percocet incident...and he doesn't take percocet because it makes him nauseous. I then said some hurtful things about her other son. I later apologized. It was not right for me to try to use her children to hurt her. However...she accepted my apology and then proceeded to tell me how I was wrong...about Aunt CG and needed to be the bigger person. No...I am being the bigger person. I didn't press charges on her ass.

Just a bit OT: The whole thing she did to me reminds me of a story they used to tell...of how she threw a pop bottle when angry at my uncle's first wife (who was holding her daughter at the time)...everybody always said that she never threw it at the woman (even though she claimed she did)...I have to wonder if that is true, now. If she was willing to make me drop my baby...what would have stopped her from trying to hurt another baby years ago?