Introductory freakout

So...I guess a little introductory paragraph is necessary, right?
I'm Bridgette, I'm 28...I play video games for a living (that's right...there is a job that allows a person to do such a thing).

I am also pregnant for the first time. I guess this introductory paragraph is sort of my first freakout in a hard copy. I still don't understand what is going on, sometimes. Every time I write "I'm pregnant" my gut jumps and I want to cry. I'm so scared of this. It wasn't planned...in fact, if there were a onesie, I might get it. "Birth control fail". I considered aborting (and sometimes wonder why I didn't) when I first found out. But Dave is against abortion as birth control. I am, too...until I think about how much this scares me. I don't think it's really hit home for him. I keep flip-flopping between wonder and awe...there is a being inside me...OMG I'M GOING TO BE A MOTHER!?!!?

It scares me beyond belief. I am not ready for this emotionally. I am definitely NOT ready financially. My work has been amazing, as I am not receiving benefits and they are helping out in every way they can.

My family was not completely supportive when I first found out. My older sister has been trying to conceive for a few years. Her health problems have caused issues with this. My mom's first reaction when I told her (already nearly in tears), was to say "You know this will hurt your sister." As if I hadn't realized that and had gotten pregnant on purpose just to hurt her. She then proceeded to ask if we were getting married. I told her that I didn't really feel that I should get married just because I was pregnant. My aunt agreed, so that has been dropped. My older sister just bawled. Incoherently bawling alternated with silence. Talk about a less-than-happy event.

Oh...and Dave hasn't even told his family...I'm 20 weeks this week...his family still doesn't know that I'm pregnant. I had to ask him if they knew I was even a person. That isn't sitting well with me, either. I haven't met his family...and am starting to think I never will. I hope, someday, they at least know he has a kid.