My life plans have come to a halt...why can't his?

I feel like a horrible person. I have come to realize how a person could resent a baby. I always knew my life would change. I knew things would be different. But seeing just how little Papa D's life has changed makes me wonder if I made the right choice. I had a plan...a way to pay off the debt I had accrued being young and irresponsible. That plan took a backseat to expenses for the baby. I got another plan when I went back to work. I was going to implement it. I was going to pay off the shit that I could right away and work my way up to the biggest stuff--my student loans. That plan got shuffled to the side when I quit my job to stay at home with Lil G. Dave was going to give me an allowance. I thought I could perhaps at least work on paying off my student loans. RIGHT. Now he's all up in arms because "He worked very hard to keep himself out of debt and he's not going to shoulder my debt just because I'm not working." EXCUSE ME!? I know I CHOSE to stay home, but only on the agreement that I would get an allowance for expenses. That's right...he's going to dictate how I can spend my money. This did not go over well after I was up most the night with the baby because he refused to take her so I could sleep. I'm at my wit's end. I just keep looking at her and thinking "Maybe I should have just gone to Emma Goldman and gotten an abortion and never told him." It kills me to think that I would have missed out on this little girl...but why is my life the only one that has to change? Why do I have to continue to field harassing calls by debt collectors because he doesn't want to pay for my debt? I think I might go ahead and pay for the small things...$74, $31, etc...just start whittling away at it anyway. He can go to hell if he thinks he can give me a monthly stipend and then tell me it has to go to savings or "tangible necessities". I'm sitting here crying over debt. Oh...and Brutus hasn't had his shots yet. I suppose that will have to come out of my stipend because he's my dog. I did get an offer to score for the fall...so I accepted that...it doesn't start till Oct 13, though...and I can't donate plasma until Oct 20. I just want to get out from under his mother-fucking thumb. This is what I was afraid of when I quit...becoming wholly dependent on another person and having that person dictate my life.

Changes

Well...Life has been interesting. I became a SAHM as of Tuesday this week. We're still getting into the groove, but I love being with the monchichi so much. She's so funny. Tuesday we had the company summer party, so we had a lot of fun there. Papa D started work Monday night. Unfortunately, this week is not his normal schedule, so we'll have to re-adjust next week. Today we had a play date with a couple of the other babies from work. It was a lot of fun and will be more and more fun as they grow and become more social with each other. We are planning on doing it once a week. Maybe the kiddos will start to nap at the same time and we can have some adult time. We're especially looking forward to it cooling off so we can have picnics in the park!

Talked to my little sister and mom about the letter. My mom says she just isn't able to handle it emotionally right now. I understand that. She and I are awful about confrontation, and I know she will bear the brunt of what happens after that gets sent. I'm giving her a reprieve for a while. I don't know if I will ever send it, although she says that it needs to be said. She wants really badly to have her whole family, but I think she realizes that it just isn't going to happen and she's grieving that loss. I can see no reason why I can't wait a while longer to send something that will do nothing more than cause chaos and hurt. I know Aunt CG won't understand what I'm saying, regardless of how explicitly or implicitly I word it. My little sister, however, has been a surprising rock in this. We still have issues understanding each other, but we're working very hard and she is super-supportive of me. She wants to make sure I see Mom's side of it, but she also understands my side. She even told me that I was handling it better than she would have, because she would have gotten the police involved.

Overall, I miss working, but am really enjoying being a SAHM. I'm getting to really cook again...even if i'm the only one eating the initial finished product. This will change when Papa D gets on his regular schedule, as dinner will be breakfast for him. I look forward to sharing meals, even though I will miss my "time off". Currently, I have about 6 hours between Lil G going to sleep for the night and him getting home. I can get so much done in that time and still have relaxation time that it's going to be rough having him home for most of it.

I'm still applying for better jobs. I'm being picky, though. I'm also looking into studying for the GRE. I've never been good with studying without curriculum, though. I don't even know if I want to go back for my Master's in library science. I still have the option of trying for my master's in translation. My lil sis did say the school she got her master's at has a Master's in library science, and she thinks it can be done online. I will have to look into that. --I checked while I was thinking about it and their entire program is online. Will DEFINITELY have to check into other schools that may be doing the same thing. I love being in the classroom, but being able to be home and be at school may be a better option.

Revised letter to crazy aunt

Okay...so my little sister made some very good comments on this thing and I've revised it slightly.

Dear Aunt CG,

I have been trying very hard these past few months to understand my own feelings as well as yours. It has not been easy to do either one. When I first found out about LilG, you were so supportive…you made feel better about a situation that led me to feel a lot of guilt. And part of that is why everything that has happened recently is so hard for me.

You have repeatedly told me since she was born that I’m a mother now and I need to grow up. Part of growing up is realizing that the world doesn’t always work the way it should and the way you want it to. I realize this now. I am a mother, now. And my priority has to be to my child. I wish that the things I need to do for my child were compatible with the things I need to do for the rest of the family, but right now I don’t believe they are. I’ve done a lot of searching for answers that I’m not sure I will ever have.

The things you have said to me and done to me hurt me and I feel they crossed the line to abuse. I cannot subject my child to that, even if it’s not directed at her. I cannot subject myself to that. It took a long time for me to get to where I am and be able to recognize that I am a person of worth. I will not jeopardize that. I said some things that I know hurt you. I am sorry I hurt you. It is not behavior that I am proud of by any means.

I was raised to be a strong woman. I have my family to thank for that. But I was also raised to believe that my family would be there for me always. With you, I don’t feel that this is the case. I held everyone in my family to a higher standard, believing that they would treat me better than the rest of the world. Unfortunately, I feel that because you are family, I have to forgive and let go behavior that would be unacceptable from anybody else. If you had simply attacked me without LilG there, I can honestly say that your apology would be enough. But you physically attacked me while I was holding my 3-month-old baby. I felt you tried to make me drop her by what you said. There is no apology in the world that can make that better.

Another part of growing up is learning to let go. Let go of the things you can’t fix or change, let go of the dreams you had as a kid, let go of those things that aren’t good for you. Right now, our relationship is all of those things. I always wanted to make you happy and do things that would make you proud. I appreciate and accept your apology for attacking me, but I believe it is in mine and Lil G's best interests to not have contact with you for a while. I do not hate you. I’m not even angry. But I need to put a stop to something that is quickly spiraling out of control before I start to feel those things. Right now, I am not ready to discuss this decision. I simply ask you to respect my decision on what is best for me and my daughter. I hope there will come a time when we can move past this, but for right now, I am putting my daughter’s safety and happiness before anything else

Job-ness--and arguments

So...Papa D and I had a talk/argument. It started out as a discussion about me quitting my job. I was under the impression that he wanted me to find a better job or part time weekend/evening job. He apparently only wants that to happen if it will be worth it. This is great from my perspective. We're currently looking at me quitting after Papa D starts working. The hardest part at this point is potentially having to find day care for 2 weeks. I would like to let them know that I will be done at the end of the project (same day Papa D starts his new job), but Papa D would like me to wait until he has everything squared away and starts. My own personal feelings are that I should give fair notice...2 weeks...we are currently 2 weeks away from the end of the project, but Papa D seems to think that I should wait until he starts working.

The argument comes in with him thinking I don't do enough. I feel like I'm a WOHM trying to explain to a SAHM that what I do isn't easy...that work isn't a vacation from the baby. He had a huge temper tantrum because the dishes weren't done. Nevermind the fact that I had started to do them yesterday until he had a temper tantrum because I was making "too much noise". Thus I stopped cleaning because he was being an ass. And then today he freaked out on me because nothing was cleaned. So I started crying...at a total loss as to what he wanted out of me...so then he freaked out and said he couldn't talk to me because I was crying. Umm...I can still have a conversation while crying...although there isn't much conversing going on when a person is screaming and banging shit around. So I took Lil G and went and finished the laundry he did, but never finished (and then bitched about it not being done) as well as doing more. Finally put Lil G to sleep and went to have a cigarette.

I have since cleaned up the living room a bit more and done 8 loads of laundry (or something like that). I will finish dishes in the morning...whether he's sleeping or not and whether it makes noise or not. If he pitches a fit, I will take the baby and not come back. I will call in to work, if I have to. I am tired of him thinking that I have it easy. I also really really want to be able to stay home so I can clean like I want to.

I love him, but right now, he's driving me crazy. He needs to work, I need to stay home...before we kill each other.