Dear Aunt CG,
I have been trying very hard these past few months to understand my own feelings as well as yours. It has not been easy to do either one. When I first found out about LilG, you were so supportive…you made feel better about a situation that led me to feel a lot of guilt. And part of that is why everything that has happened recently is so hard for me.
You have repeatedly told me since she was born that I’m a mother now and I need to grow up. Part of growing up is realizing that the world doesn’t always work the way it should and the way you want it to. I realize this now. I am a mother, now. And my priority has to be to my child. I wish that the things I need to do for my child were compatible with the things I need to do for the rest of the family, but right now I don’t believe they are. I’ve done a lot of searching for answers that I’m not sure I will ever have.
The things you have said to me and done to me hurt me and I feel they crossed the line to abuse. I cannot subject my child to that, even if it’s not directed at her. I cannot subject myself to that. It took a long time for me to get to where I am and be able to recognize that I am a person of worth. I will not jeopardize that. I said some things that I know hurt you. I am sorry I hurt you. It is not behavior that I am proud of by any means.
I was raised to be a strong woman. I have my family to thank for that. But I was also raised to believe that my family would be there for me always. With you, I don’t feel that this is the case. I held everyone in my family to a higher standard, believing that they would treat me better than the rest of the world. Unfortunately, I feel that because you are family, I have to forgive and let go behavior that would be unacceptable from anybody else. If you had simply attacked me without LilG there, I can honestly say that your apology would be enough. But you physically attacked me while I was holding my 3-month-old baby. I felt you tried to make me drop her by what you said. There is no apology in the world that can make that better.
Another part of growing up is learning to let go. Let go of the things you can’t fix or change, let go of the dreams you had as a kid, let go of those things that aren’t good for you. Right now, our relationship is all of those things. I always wanted to make you happy and do things that would make you proud. I appreciate and accept your apology for attacking me, but I believe it is in mine and Lil G's best interests to not have contact with you for a while. I do not hate you. I’m not even angry. But I need to put a stop to something that is quickly spiraling out of control before I start to feel those things. Right now, I am not ready to discuss this decision. I simply ask you to respect my decision on what is best for me and my daughter. I hope there will come a time when we can move past this, but for right now, I am putting my daughter’s safety and happiness before anything else
Yes. This is very good.
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