The Great Vaccine Debate

Okay...sooo...I'm seriously reconsidering continuing the vax schedule.

Papa D has been anti-vaccine since Lil'G was about 4 months old. I went ahead and got her 4 month and 6 month shots. However, a recent blow-up fight in which PapaD called me retarded and incompetent. While that blow was distinctly uncalled for, it did the job. I am now REALLY digging into vaccines. I'm looking and WHO and CDC numbers and graphs. I'm going beyond Mercola and his push for you to buy his super vitamins and looking into real doctors who are saying this isn't what we think it is.

http://www.whale.to/vaccine/ImmunizationGraphs-RO2009.pdf

The graphs presented here are scary. Mortality rates due to the flu have skyrocketed since they've started pushing the flu vaccine on infants and young children. And there's a direct proportional increase in mortality rate to the number of vaccines a kid is "required" to have. Scary. That's all WHO and CDC numbers, too. They've just been put into a format that's easy for the average Joe to read.

I haven't really researched this site, yet...but again...some disturbing information contained in this article. I would like to research the doctors listed and see what their backgrounds, etc are before using it as a good source for anti-vax. But it's still interesting.

http://www.alternative-doctor.com/vaccination/16reasons.htm#5. Vaccination

The graphs in the first site alone are enough to make me pause and rethink the vaccine thing. What are vaccines doing for us, if the most dramatic decrease in mortality came before their introduction? And why is there a sudden INCREASE in deaths after the introduction of the flu vaccine (which I already don't get because I don't buy into it...fear mongering caused me to get it last year while I was pregnant...it was the first -and last- time I'll get that one). I'll keep you updated as I research further. This is my own personal research and discovery method. I promised PapaD I'd really look into it, and so I am.

Adventures in Baby Food

So...I made a TON of baby foods. I was so excited. We have so many options. I can't wait...oh...wait...my baby hates baby food.

wait...no...she hates solids...

wait...no...she hates food that I try to feed her that doesn't come from my dish...and she's not easy to trick.

We started with rice cereal, to a mediocre review. Oatmeal met with rave reviews from the consumer and was greatly enjoyed and even asked for.

Then we tried squash. It was okay. And then sweet potatoes. That was a no-go. So was banana. And apple. And squash. And oatmeal. Yup...we've regressed. SOOOO...cue music. We're going to try sticks. I'll cook some root veggies and cut them into sticks.

Sweet potato FTW!

Or not...what?

Carrot fail...once....twice...maybe not?

Banana fail...again and again.

Rice cereal fail...unless you count the fact that it makes a FANTASTIC finger paint.

However...white turkey chili was met with massive approval. Ham and bean soup was not as impressive. Ciabatta bread was fantastic. Oh...and carrots were eaten while I was eating stir fry that had similar-looking pepper strips.

So...not sure where this leaves us. I want to just give her table foods. Papa D wants to try the fruit and veggie route. He is sleeping while we're "eating" so he has no clue how frustrating it is to watch your food go to waste. I guess he also won't know when I just go ahead and feed her table food, will he?

To My Religious Friends

I posted this on Facebook, but I thought I'd leave it here, too. I stole it from a member of the Atheist and Agnostic Families board. She gave permission to repost in other locations. So, Thanks to Riuaki for this eloquent post on what it means to be atheist.

Do not pity me, do not feel sorry for me. I have chosen my path by my own free will. I am not lost, so there is no need for me to be found. My life is not empty. I know who I am and I know my purpose. I love, I am loved, and I strive every day to make sure I leave this world in better condition than I found it. My world is not dark and it is not cold. I see beauty and divinity in the world around me, and it is in no way less meaningful than your world ruled by a deity. My divine is love and nature, physics and chemistry and respect. I can respect you without agreeing and love you without believing that my love was directed by a higher power. Disagreement is not mocking, but instead is a quest for mutual understanding. I have no reason to mock you and it is hurtful when you proclaim how sorry you are for me.

Have you ever tried to see the universe from a different perspective, maybe one you were not taught through tradition? I can see your point of view because I explored it in my initial wandering. I do not wander anymore. I now understand my place in the universe, and it is right here where I am. I may be small, but I am not insignificant. I can touch the lives of others, and my small caress can ripple through humanity in a subtle wave. I do not need to make the world mine, I just need to make my own world matter. I need to make it matter for my son, my husband, my friends, and my family.

I am not lacking for anything intangible, so do not pity my lack of belief. I have hope, but it is centered around humanity instead of the vague promise of reward based on faith. I see hope and wonder in the eyes of my child and I know he is something special and unique, as is every child in the world. I have not squandered the concept of a soul, for all my soul is is my individuality. I am not like any other even though we are all fundamentally the same, and that spark of uniqueness is my soul. I have morals, and I try to live my life as well as possible because I am living for this life and this life alone. I am living my way so my progeny can thrive in a safe and clean world. I am not selfish. I have sacrificed an incredible amount for other people, so do not trivialize my achievements just because they were not accomplished under the banner of a belief. I try to always be honest, even if the truth isn't always what people want to hear. The truth is deserved by all and it is told out of love and not fear.

Do not pity me, my friend, for I do not live in fear. I lost my fear when I found myself. I found intense love for humanity, respect for the universe and everything in it, virtue in rationality, and innate values which embrace the best of all religions. I respect you as an individual, so please respect me. If you feel you must pray for me, go ahead, but I do not need it and it honestly makes me a bit uncomfortable if you tell me outright that you are. A kind word and a kind thought will suffice, and I will reciprocate the same to you. Work toward your own peace as I work toward mine. Embrace me because I am different from you, since it would be a boring world if we were all the same.

(This was inspired by a lot of chaos, and a general lack of understanding in the people I've come into contact with lately. Edited to fix a dropped sentence.)

∑ f(CxA)=Rowan(12/19/09)

My life plans have come to a halt...why can't his?

I feel like a horrible person. I have come to realize how a person could resent a baby. I always knew my life would change. I knew things would be different. But seeing just how little Papa D's life has changed makes me wonder if I made the right choice. I had a plan...a way to pay off the debt I had accrued being young and irresponsible. That plan took a backseat to expenses for the baby. I got another plan when I went back to work. I was going to implement it. I was going to pay off the shit that I could right away and work my way up to the biggest stuff--my student loans. That plan got shuffled to the side when I quit my job to stay at home with Lil G. Dave was going to give me an allowance. I thought I could perhaps at least work on paying off my student loans. RIGHT. Now he's all up in arms because "He worked very hard to keep himself out of debt and he's not going to shoulder my debt just because I'm not working." EXCUSE ME!? I know I CHOSE to stay home, but only on the agreement that I would get an allowance for expenses. That's right...he's going to dictate how I can spend my money. This did not go over well after I was up most the night with the baby because he refused to take her so I could sleep. I'm at my wit's end. I just keep looking at her and thinking "Maybe I should have just gone to Emma Goldman and gotten an abortion and never told him." It kills me to think that I would have missed out on this little girl...but why is my life the only one that has to change? Why do I have to continue to field harassing calls by debt collectors because he doesn't want to pay for my debt? I think I might go ahead and pay for the small things...$74, $31, etc...just start whittling away at it anyway. He can go to hell if he thinks he can give me a monthly stipend and then tell me it has to go to savings or "tangible necessities". I'm sitting here crying over debt. Oh...and Brutus hasn't had his shots yet. I suppose that will have to come out of my stipend because he's my dog. I did get an offer to score for the fall...so I accepted that...it doesn't start till Oct 13, though...and I can't donate plasma until Oct 20. I just want to get out from under his mother-fucking thumb. This is what I was afraid of when I quit...becoming wholly dependent on another person and having that person dictate my life.

Changes

Well...Life has been interesting. I became a SAHM as of Tuesday this week. We're still getting into the groove, but I love being with the monchichi so much. She's so funny. Tuesday we had the company summer party, so we had a lot of fun there. Papa D started work Monday night. Unfortunately, this week is not his normal schedule, so we'll have to re-adjust next week. Today we had a play date with a couple of the other babies from work. It was a lot of fun and will be more and more fun as they grow and become more social with each other. We are planning on doing it once a week. Maybe the kiddos will start to nap at the same time and we can have some adult time. We're especially looking forward to it cooling off so we can have picnics in the park!

Talked to my little sister and mom about the letter. My mom says she just isn't able to handle it emotionally right now. I understand that. She and I are awful about confrontation, and I know she will bear the brunt of what happens after that gets sent. I'm giving her a reprieve for a while. I don't know if I will ever send it, although she says that it needs to be said. She wants really badly to have her whole family, but I think she realizes that it just isn't going to happen and she's grieving that loss. I can see no reason why I can't wait a while longer to send something that will do nothing more than cause chaos and hurt. I know Aunt CG won't understand what I'm saying, regardless of how explicitly or implicitly I word it. My little sister, however, has been a surprising rock in this. We still have issues understanding each other, but we're working very hard and she is super-supportive of me. She wants to make sure I see Mom's side of it, but she also understands my side. She even told me that I was handling it better than she would have, because she would have gotten the police involved.

Overall, I miss working, but am really enjoying being a SAHM. I'm getting to really cook again...even if i'm the only one eating the initial finished product. This will change when Papa D gets on his regular schedule, as dinner will be breakfast for him. I look forward to sharing meals, even though I will miss my "time off". Currently, I have about 6 hours between Lil G going to sleep for the night and him getting home. I can get so much done in that time and still have relaxation time that it's going to be rough having him home for most of it.

I'm still applying for better jobs. I'm being picky, though. I'm also looking into studying for the GRE. I've never been good with studying without curriculum, though. I don't even know if I want to go back for my Master's in library science. I still have the option of trying for my master's in translation. My lil sis did say the school she got her master's at has a Master's in library science, and she thinks it can be done online. I will have to look into that. --I checked while I was thinking about it and their entire program is online. Will DEFINITELY have to check into other schools that may be doing the same thing. I love being in the classroom, but being able to be home and be at school may be a better option.

Revised letter to crazy aunt

Okay...so my little sister made some very good comments on this thing and I've revised it slightly.

Dear Aunt CG,

I have been trying very hard these past few months to understand my own feelings as well as yours. It has not been easy to do either one. When I first found out about LilG, you were so supportive…you made feel better about a situation that led me to feel a lot of guilt. And part of that is why everything that has happened recently is so hard for me.

You have repeatedly told me since she was born that I’m a mother now and I need to grow up. Part of growing up is realizing that the world doesn’t always work the way it should and the way you want it to. I realize this now. I am a mother, now. And my priority has to be to my child. I wish that the things I need to do for my child were compatible with the things I need to do for the rest of the family, but right now I don’t believe they are. I’ve done a lot of searching for answers that I’m not sure I will ever have.

The things you have said to me and done to me hurt me and I feel they crossed the line to abuse. I cannot subject my child to that, even if it’s not directed at her. I cannot subject myself to that. It took a long time for me to get to where I am and be able to recognize that I am a person of worth. I will not jeopardize that. I said some things that I know hurt you. I am sorry I hurt you. It is not behavior that I am proud of by any means.

I was raised to be a strong woman. I have my family to thank for that. But I was also raised to believe that my family would be there for me always. With you, I don’t feel that this is the case. I held everyone in my family to a higher standard, believing that they would treat me better than the rest of the world. Unfortunately, I feel that because you are family, I have to forgive and let go behavior that would be unacceptable from anybody else. If you had simply attacked me without LilG there, I can honestly say that your apology would be enough. But you physically attacked me while I was holding my 3-month-old baby. I felt you tried to make me drop her by what you said. There is no apology in the world that can make that better.

Another part of growing up is learning to let go. Let go of the things you can’t fix or change, let go of the dreams you had as a kid, let go of those things that aren’t good for you. Right now, our relationship is all of those things. I always wanted to make you happy and do things that would make you proud. I appreciate and accept your apology for attacking me, but I believe it is in mine and Lil G's best interests to not have contact with you for a while. I do not hate you. I’m not even angry. But I need to put a stop to something that is quickly spiraling out of control before I start to feel those things. Right now, I am not ready to discuss this decision. I simply ask you to respect my decision on what is best for me and my daughter. I hope there will come a time when we can move past this, but for right now, I am putting my daughter’s safety and happiness before anything else

Job-ness--and arguments

So...Papa D and I had a talk/argument. It started out as a discussion about me quitting my job. I was under the impression that he wanted me to find a better job or part time weekend/evening job. He apparently only wants that to happen if it will be worth it. This is great from my perspective. We're currently looking at me quitting after Papa D starts working. The hardest part at this point is potentially having to find day care for 2 weeks. I would like to let them know that I will be done at the end of the project (same day Papa D starts his new job), but Papa D would like me to wait until he has everything squared away and starts. My own personal feelings are that I should give fair notice...2 weeks...we are currently 2 weeks away from the end of the project, but Papa D seems to think that I should wait until he starts working.

The argument comes in with him thinking I don't do enough. I feel like I'm a WOHM trying to explain to a SAHM that what I do isn't easy...that work isn't a vacation from the baby. He had a huge temper tantrum because the dishes weren't done. Nevermind the fact that I had started to do them yesterday until he had a temper tantrum because I was making "too much noise". Thus I stopped cleaning because he was being an ass. And then today he freaked out on me because nothing was cleaned. So I started crying...at a total loss as to what he wanted out of me...so then he freaked out and said he couldn't talk to me because I was crying. Umm...I can still have a conversation while crying...although there isn't much conversing going on when a person is screaming and banging shit around. So I took Lil G and went and finished the laundry he did, but never finished (and then bitched about it not being done) as well as doing more. Finally put Lil G to sleep and went to have a cigarette.

I have since cleaned up the living room a bit more and done 8 loads of laundry (or something like that). I will finish dishes in the morning...whether he's sleeping or not and whether it makes noise or not. If he pitches a fit, I will take the baby and not come back. I will call in to work, if I have to. I am tired of him thinking that I have it easy. I also really really want to be able to stay home so I can clean like I want to.

I love him, but right now, he's driving me crazy. He needs to work, I need to stay home...before we kill each other.