Down Day

I think maybe the prozac isn't working? I don't know but I'm lying here on the couch with my baby girl on my chest...and i'm just crying...not sobbing uncontrollably, but crying. I want to feel good, but I'm still upset about the birth and my family and I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to enjoy my baby because of everything else. My incision hurts worse today...but also the nerves above the numb spot on my belly are sore for some reason.

I just want to be me...but so much in my world and life has changed, I'm not sure I know who I am anymore.

Okay...so I lied

I do care. My family has always been something that is important to me. It's the way I was raised. But I don't know how to deal with this. More and more in recent years I have noticed that my family is there for people...on their terms. They always preach how they are always there for you, but they're not. They are there for us as long as we bow to their whims and their schedules. I can't do it anymore. I have friends who are more reliable than family when it comes to support. And those friends are amazing. My family has even gone so far as to say I chose my boyfriend over them. Well...let's see...he's the father of my CHILD.

I just don't know how to cope with this on top of everything else. I'm starting to worry that I can't.

My family hates me...and I don't care

So...my family is overbearing, I understand this. They are my family and I have defended them to no end to D and anybody else who questions why I put up with things from them. But I am breaking this cycle of emotional manipulation and verbal abuse...because that's what it is. I had Lil'G on Tuesday night...just before midnight.

My mom was concerned and came over to see me when I got out. Good...thanks...I love you. They didn't leave until 4:00 am. That is right...I just had my guts pulled out and put back in and have a new baby that I haven't really even met and my mom is camped out in my hospital room for hours. This turned into days. My poor father was stuck with her. For 3 days, my mom sat and stared at me while I struggled with breast feeding and had my pad and incision checked. For 3 days, I didn't sleep when baby slept, I slept a little at night. I was then INFORMED that more family would be visiting me once I got home. Nobody asked if I was okay with this. I was just told it would be happening.

I get home and mom and dad leave right away. *sigh of RELIEF*...I believe that my younger sister is coming to visit the next day. Fine...I can handle her. Well...it became my mom, my younger sister, and my older sister. And they didn't give me any warning. I got a call 10 minutes before they arrived saying they were going to be here. They had a 3.5 hour drive in which to call and say "Hey...we're on our way." I could have had the baby fed, awake, myself showered, etc.

They get here, Lil'G is asleep. So of course, my mom wakes her up. She starts crying. Nobody can console her, so they hand her to me. I ask for her pacifier (which nobody has tried inserting into her mouth). My little sister says "Let her cry. Babies are supposed to cry." WTF?!?! She's 4 days old and hasn't had any good sleep because everytime she slept, my mom was there to wake her up. I'm getting impatient at this point. Mom then says something about moving out of our current place. Dave says something about putting up with a lot of shit lately. He then leaves the room to let me deal with the ensuing insanity.

I explain that we're tired and trying to learn how to take care of a baby and it's hard to do when people are over all the time. They think I'm overreacting. It escalates into a huge blow-out between me and my mom and my sisters and eventually everybody turns it into an issue between me and my older sister because I can have babies and she can't. Things finally calmed down, but Lil'G now needed fed. I very awkwardly tried to cover myself while feeding...and my mom uncovered me. And they all three stared at me while I BF'ed my baby. I feel somewhat traumatized by this. I'm terrified of going to my parents' house to visit once my mom stops being pissed and having this happen again. They finally leave all butt-hurt because they came to see the baby and apparently I shouldn't have any say because they're not here to see me.

I send an email shortly after they leave and D and I talk to my aunt asking them not to come tomorrow (now today) because I need time to rest and recuperate. My aunt basically tells me fine, but she can't come see me EVER because it was such a hassle to rearrange things to come this weekend, and she has a life. My response and her response follow:

"you know what. When I get super powers, I'll let you know. In the mean time I had my stomach cut open, my insides taken out, a baby pushed out of it, and then I was put back together. I didn't get much rest in the hospital and haven't had much rest since. When you can be considerate of that, let me know. I'm sorry it's such an inconvenience for you to come see me when I feel better." --Me

"yuo fucking learn to be considerate and not have a fucking attitude that you are so fucking great don't talkt o me any more you are dead"--her

Yeah. Because I just had major surgery and want time to rest before I have to entertain more people, she has declared me dead to her. All this drama is also carried out by phone where she screamed fuck you at me at least 20 times and then hung up. My mom then called me and informed me they wouldn't come see me at all. And I asked why? Because they did so much to come this weekend. Yeah...because it fit in their schedule to come this weekend...no matter that I wasn't feeling up to visitors.

My mom took their side. I was also told that they were here to see the baby and I should feel no obligation to entertain people. Umm...you're in my HOUSE...any good hostess would feel that obligation. I finally, after she repeated this, said "I am not a non-entity in this. If you are here, you are in my house. I will always feel that need." Said I got what I wanted "for people to leave me alone." I told her that was not what I wanted...that I just wanted some consideration when people make plans for my time...for them to consult me. That maybe I would have more time for people if they bothered to ask my schedule. She didn't seem to understand. I sent her a couple of articles to try to explain what I was feeling. She still isn't talking to me.

I have to admit, though, standing up for myself felt good. I cried the rest of the day...was still crying 12 hours after they left. I thought for sure my family had sent me over the edge into PPD. I feel much better today, though. I've been able to sleep when baby sleeps and I need to, feed without scrutiny, and...in all honesty...thank GOD I don't have to deal with my aunt anymore.

Lil'G's crazy birth

I went in at 10pm on 4/20 for an induction. When I arrived, I was told that the pitocin had been pushed back to 2 am, but they'd get me hooked up and get a baseline reading and let me sleep till they started the meds. They hooked me up to the monitors and her HR was 175. For 20 minutes it wouldn't drop below 170. The doctor came in. Since I hadn't been started on meds, they decided she was in distress and I was rushed away for an emergency c-section. Dave tried to slow things down so I could catch up, but the doctors felt that it was necessary.

I agreed to the c-section and essentially went into shock. I was shaking so bad when they put the spinal in, they had to stop and ask me to hold my breath. I don't remember much of the surgery, except that when I finally saw her (they had the clean-up station on my side of the curtain), I cried, and they kept talking about her pooping. After they had her cleaned up, she and Dave went to recovery while they sewed me back together.

I found out she had passed meconium in the womb, and that my placenta had started to fail a few days prior. Her umbilical cord had started to shrink and she wasn't getting enough nutrients. I was only 10 days over-due.

We're both doing well, now. Resting at home. Perhaps tomorrow I will be rested enough to share the fantastic wonder that was my recovery.

Babby soon...WHAT!?

Went to my doc on Friday, figured I'd hear the same thing about nothing much and see you next week...umm...no.

Went from nothing last week to 80% effaced and fingertip dilated this week. Doc thinks if things continue to progress at this pace, I won't be making it to my next appointment. Exciting...but abso-fucking-lutely terrifying. I don't have food ready, I don't have pads, I don't have film for the good camera, i don't have batteries for the digital, I am entering panic-mode...and even more afraid that I'm panicking for nothing and will pregnant for a few more weeks. but the BH are more consistent...about every 10 mins or so...which is another sign of impending labor...so maybe he's right. if he is...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

SERIOUSLY!?!

I'm 39 weeks pregnant. And my family can't figure out why I don't want to drive 3.5 hours for Easter (7 hours total). Ummm...HELLO!?! That's about all...

No sign of babby...just insane cravings for thai food. I'm going to try to make my two faves at home the next time. I love curry, but there's a beef basil dish that I finally found a recipe for (I think).

Oh...and my sister is not pregnant. I really feel bad for her, and it has made it a little more awkward for me. I don't know what to do or say. And I'm back to the guilt for being able to get pregnant...my mom tells me I need to reach out to her...and I can't avoid her. I know this...but HOW? How does a person who is accidentally miserably pregnant at this point connect with a person who can't get to that point, no matter what she does?