Ashamed

I stopped taking my prozac because I was afraid it was hurting my baby. Probably not the brightest decision to make without doctor input, but PapaD made me feel like a failmom because I was taking a medication that could be adversely affecting our child's growth.

Fast forward

I'm nearly in tears. Lil'G woke up at 4:30 this morning fussing. I put her pacifier in and fell back asleep for 10 minutes, only to hear her fussing again. I get up, start a bottle, change her, feed her. Then starts the wrestling match. She WILL NOT LIE STILL. Even if I'm holding her. Flailing...EVERYWHERE. My tiredness and irritability and frustration knows no bounds. I tense up my arms and squeeze her a bit. It won't hurt to just give her a little shake, right? She needs to stop doing this and maybe she'll be startled enough to do so.

Thank goodness my rational brain was awake at this point. I laid her down in front of me on the couch (I'm sitting sideways). She's staring at me. She poops. I sigh. But now I don't trust myself to pick her up. We stare at each other for a while. I post on BBC. She poops some more. I read some posts on BBC and update my facebook status. We stare at each other a while longer. I put her in a sposie because I didn't want to wrestle with her and try to get a PF on her. We stare at each other some more. The guilt I feel for almost shaking her is exceeded only by the fact that she's currently a vision of something I swore she would never be. A baby with a dirty sposie and a pacifier shoved in her mouth and held there with a little more force than necessary.

I'm going back on the meds. Even if the doctor suggests stopping, I'm not going to. I go back to work on Tuesday and I can barely deal with her when I can sleep off and on. I'm terrified of what I will become when I have to do something other than care for her. She has finally gone to sleep. Her 2 month appt is this morning. What am I going to do if she gets fussy today after her shots? What if I hurt her in my frustration? I'm afraid to nap right now because I feel so guilty...like I don't deserve sleep. How am I going to survive this week?