Peppermint Bark Cheesecake

Sooo...this recipe is actually mine! I built on a 4-ingredient cheesecake recipe.


Brownie Crust:

I just took one of those bags of Betty Crocker Brownie Mix, made it per the directions, chose my spring form pan and lined it with parchment paper. Poured the batter in and baked at 350 till done (takes a little less time than the directions because it's thinner).

Cheesecake:

3 pkgs (8oz) cream cheese
5 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1 cup sugar
Peppermint to taste
1/2 c. melted white chocolate

Cream cheese and sugar together. Add eggs. Add vanilla and peppermint extract (I used cheap stuff this time and had to put in half a bottle 8o ). Let white chocolate cool slightly and add in.

Put brownie crust in the bottom of the pan. Pour cheesecake mix into pan. Bake until set (about 1 to 1.5 hours).

Melt 1/2 c. dark chocolate with some milk until smooth.

Place some round peppermint candies on parchment paper until thin (took about 15 minutes at 250 degrees).

After cheesecake cools, pour ganache on top and spread it out. Top with melted candies.

WTF

Reading a WHO hand-out on Vaccine Safety (with an entire chapter on how to downplay possible risks to the press...but that isn't what this is about).

Under chapter 8--Ethical Issues related to Vaccination:

8.3 Pregnancy

Immunization of adolescents as part of routine immunization or during mass campaigns raises the possibility of administering vaccines during pregnancy. Only tetanus toxoid is recommended in pregnancy. Administration should be avoided especially of those vaccines that are contraindicated in pregnancy because of known or theoretical risks to the early stages of fetal development. It is possible that girls attending for vaccination may be unaware they are in the early stage of pregnancy, and others may be reluctant to admit to the pregnancy (which may result in their exclusion from school) and therefore go ahead with vaccination, perhaps despite being warned of the danger.

That's my emphasis...but WHAT. THE. FUCK.

The Great Vaccine Debate

Okay...sooo...I'm seriously reconsidering continuing the vax schedule.

Papa D has been anti-vaccine since Lil'G was about 4 months old. I went ahead and got her 4 month and 6 month shots. However, a recent blow-up fight in which PapaD called me retarded and incompetent. While that blow was distinctly uncalled for, it did the job. I am now REALLY digging into vaccines. I'm looking and WHO and CDC numbers and graphs. I'm going beyond Mercola and his push for you to buy his super vitamins and looking into real doctors who are saying this isn't what we think it is.

http://www.whale.to/vaccine/ImmunizationGraphs-RO2009.pdf

The graphs presented here are scary. Mortality rates due to the flu have skyrocketed since they've started pushing the flu vaccine on infants and young children. And there's a direct proportional increase in mortality rate to the number of vaccines a kid is "required" to have. Scary. That's all WHO and CDC numbers, too. They've just been put into a format that's easy for the average Joe to read.

I haven't really researched this site, yet...but again...some disturbing information contained in this article. I would like to research the doctors listed and see what their backgrounds, etc are before using it as a good source for anti-vax. But it's still interesting.

http://www.alternative-doctor.com/vaccination/16reasons.htm#5. Vaccination

The graphs in the first site alone are enough to make me pause and rethink the vaccine thing. What are vaccines doing for us, if the most dramatic decrease in mortality came before their introduction? And why is there a sudden INCREASE in deaths after the introduction of the flu vaccine (which I already don't get because I don't buy into it...fear mongering caused me to get it last year while I was pregnant...it was the first -and last- time I'll get that one). I'll keep you updated as I research further. This is my own personal research and discovery method. I promised PapaD I'd really look into it, and so I am.

Adventures in Baby Food

So...I made a TON of baby foods. I was so excited. We have so many options. I can't wait...oh...wait...my baby hates baby food.

wait...no...she hates solids...

wait...no...she hates food that I try to feed her that doesn't come from my dish...and she's not easy to trick.

We started with rice cereal, to a mediocre review. Oatmeal met with rave reviews from the consumer and was greatly enjoyed and even asked for.

Then we tried squash. It was okay. And then sweet potatoes. That was a no-go. So was banana. And apple. And squash. And oatmeal. Yup...we've regressed. SOOOO...cue music. We're going to try sticks. I'll cook some root veggies and cut them into sticks.

Sweet potato FTW!

Or not...what?

Carrot fail...once....twice...maybe not?

Banana fail...again and again.

Rice cereal fail...unless you count the fact that it makes a FANTASTIC finger paint.

However...white turkey chili was met with massive approval. Ham and bean soup was not as impressive. Ciabatta bread was fantastic. Oh...and carrots were eaten while I was eating stir fry that had similar-looking pepper strips.

So...not sure where this leaves us. I want to just give her table foods. Papa D wants to try the fruit and veggie route. He is sleeping while we're "eating" so he has no clue how frustrating it is to watch your food go to waste. I guess he also won't know when I just go ahead and feed her table food, will he?

To My Religious Friends

I posted this on Facebook, but I thought I'd leave it here, too. I stole it from a member of the Atheist and Agnostic Families board. She gave permission to repost in other locations. So, Thanks to Riuaki for this eloquent post on what it means to be atheist.

Do not pity me, do not feel sorry for me. I have chosen my path by my own free will. I am not lost, so there is no need for me to be found. My life is not empty. I know who I am and I know my purpose. I love, I am loved, and I strive every day to make sure I leave this world in better condition than I found it. My world is not dark and it is not cold. I see beauty and divinity in the world around me, and it is in no way less meaningful than your world ruled by a deity. My divine is love and nature, physics and chemistry and respect. I can respect you without agreeing and love you without believing that my love was directed by a higher power. Disagreement is not mocking, but instead is a quest for mutual understanding. I have no reason to mock you and it is hurtful when you proclaim how sorry you are for me.

Have you ever tried to see the universe from a different perspective, maybe one you were not taught through tradition? I can see your point of view because I explored it in my initial wandering. I do not wander anymore. I now understand my place in the universe, and it is right here where I am. I may be small, but I am not insignificant. I can touch the lives of others, and my small caress can ripple through humanity in a subtle wave. I do not need to make the world mine, I just need to make my own world matter. I need to make it matter for my son, my husband, my friends, and my family.

I am not lacking for anything intangible, so do not pity my lack of belief. I have hope, but it is centered around humanity instead of the vague promise of reward based on faith. I see hope and wonder in the eyes of my child and I know he is something special and unique, as is every child in the world. I have not squandered the concept of a soul, for all my soul is is my individuality. I am not like any other even though we are all fundamentally the same, and that spark of uniqueness is my soul. I have morals, and I try to live my life as well as possible because I am living for this life and this life alone. I am living my way so my progeny can thrive in a safe and clean world. I am not selfish. I have sacrificed an incredible amount for other people, so do not trivialize my achievements just because they were not accomplished under the banner of a belief. I try to always be honest, even if the truth isn't always what people want to hear. The truth is deserved by all and it is told out of love and not fear.

Do not pity me, my friend, for I do not live in fear. I lost my fear when I found myself. I found intense love for humanity, respect for the universe and everything in it, virtue in rationality, and innate values which embrace the best of all religions. I respect you as an individual, so please respect me. If you feel you must pray for me, go ahead, but I do not need it and it honestly makes me a bit uncomfortable if you tell me outright that you are. A kind word and a kind thought will suffice, and I will reciprocate the same to you. Work toward your own peace as I work toward mine. Embrace me because I am different from you, since it would be a boring world if we were all the same.

(This was inspired by a lot of chaos, and a general lack of understanding in the people I've come into contact with lately. Edited to fix a dropped sentence.)

∑ f(CxA)=Rowan(12/19/09)

My life plans have come to a halt...why can't his?

I feel like a horrible person. I have come to realize how a person could resent a baby. I always knew my life would change. I knew things would be different. But seeing just how little Papa D's life has changed makes me wonder if I made the right choice. I had a plan...a way to pay off the debt I had accrued being young and irresponsible. That plan took a backseat to expenses for the baby. I got another plan when I went back to work. I was going to implement it. I was going to pay off the shit that I could right away and work my way up to the biggest stuff--my student loans. That plan got shuffled to the side when I quit my job to stay at home with Lil G. Dave was going to give me an allowance. I thought I could perhaps at least work on paying off my student loans. RIGHT. Now he's all up in arms because "He worked very hard to keep himself out of debt and he's not going to shoulder my debt just because I'm not working." EXCUSE ME!? I know I CHOSE to stay home, but only on the agreement that I would get an allowance for expenses. That's right...he's going to dictate how I can spend my money. This did not go over well after I was up most the night with the baby because he refused to take her so I could sleep. I'm at my wit's end. I just keep looking at her and thinking "Maybe I should have just gone to Emma Goldman and gotten an abortion and never told him." It kills me to think that I would have missed out on this little girl...but why is my life the only one that has to change? Why do I have to continue to field harassing calls by debt collectors because he doesn't want to pay for my debt? I think I might go ahead and pay for the small things...$74, $31, etc...just start whittling away at it anyway. He can go to hell if he thinks he can give me a monthly stipend and then tell me it has to go to savings or "tangible necessities". I'm sitting here crying over debt. Oh...and Brutus hasn't had his shots yet. I suppose that will have to come out of my stipend because he's my dog. I did get an offer to score for the fall...so I accepted that...it doesn't start till Oct 13, though...and I can't donate plasma until Oct 20. I just want to get out from under his mother-fucking thumb. This is what I was afraid of when I quit...becoming wholly dependent on another person and having that person dictate my life.

Changes

Well...Life has been interesting. I became a SAHM as of Tuesday this week. We're still getting into the groove, but I love being with the monchichi so much. She's so funny. Tuesday we had the company summer party, so we had a lot of fun there. Papa D started work Monday night. Unfortunately, this week is not his normal schedule, so we'll have to re-adjust next week. Today we had a play date with a couple of the other babies from work. It was a lot of fun and will be more and more fun as they grow and become more social with each other. We are planning on doing it once a week. Maybe the kiddos will start to nap at the same time and we can have some adult time. We're especially looking forward to it cooling off so we can have picnics in the park!

Talked to my little sister and mom about the letter. My mom says she just isn't able to handle it emotionally right now. I understand that. She and I are awful about confrontation, and I know she will bear the brunt of what happens after that gets sent. I'm giving her a reprieve for a while. I don't know if I will ever send it, although she says that it needs to be said. She wants really badly to have her whole family, but I think she realizes that it just isn't going to happen and she's grieving that loss. I can see no reason why I can't wait a while longer to send something that will do nothing more than cause chaos and hurt. I know Aunt CG won't understand what I'm saying, regardless of how explicitly or implicitly I word it. My little sister, however, has been a surprising rock in this. We still have issues understanding each other, but we're working very hard and she is super-supportive of me. She wants to make sure I see Mom's side of it, but she also understands my side. She even told me that I was handling it better than she would have, because she would have gotten the police involved.

Overall, I miss working, but am really enjoying being a SAHM. I'm getting to really cook again...even if i'm the only one eating the initial finished product. This will change when Papa D gets on his regular schedule, as dinner will be breakfast for him. I look forward to sharing meals, even though I will miss my "time off". Currently, I have about 6 hours between Lil G going to sleep for the night and him getting home. I can get so much done in that time and still have relaxation time that it's going to be rough having him home for most of it.

I'm still applying for better jobs. I'm being picky, though. I'm also looking into studying for the GRE. I've never been good with studying without curriculum, though. I don't even know if I want to go back for my Master's in library science. I still have the option of trying for my master's in translation. My lil sis did say the school she got her master's at has a Master's in library science, and she thinks it can be done online. I will have to look into that. --I checked while I was thinking about it and their entire program is online. Will DEFINITELY have to check into other schools that may be doing the same thing. I love being in the classroom, but being able to be home and be at school may be a better option.

Revised letter to crazy aunt

Okay...so my little sister made some very good comments on this thing and I've revised it slightly.

Dear Aunt CG,

I have been trying very hard these past few months to understand my own feelings as well as yours. It has not been easy to do either one. When I first found out about LilG, you were so supportive…you made feel better about a situation that led me to feel a lot of guilt. And part of that is why everything that has happened recently is so hard for me.

You have repeatedly told me since she was born that I’m a mother now and I need to grow up. Part of growing up is realizing that the world doesn’t always work the way it should and the way you want it to. I realize this now. I am a mother, now. And my priority has to be to my child. I wish that the things I need to do for my child were compatible with the things I need to do for the rest of the family, but right now I don’t believe they are. I’ve done a lot of searching for answers that I’m not sure I will ever have.

The things you have said to me and done to me hurt me and I feel they crossed the line to abuse. I cannot subject my child to that, even if it’s not directed at her. I cannot subject myself to that. It took a long time for me to get to where I am and be able to recognize that I am a person of worth. I will not jeopardize that. I said some things that I know hurt you. I am sorry I hurt you. It is not behavior that I am proud of by any means.

I was raised to be a strong woman. I have my family to thank for that. But I was also raised to believe that my family would be there for me always. With you, I don’t feel that this is the case. I held everyone in my family to a higher standard, believing that they would treat me better than the rest of the world. Unfortunately, I feel that because you are family, I have to forgive and let go behavior that would be unacceptable from anybody else. If you had simply attacked me without LilG there, I can honestly say that your apology would be enough. But you physically attacked me while I was holding my 3-month-old baby. I felt you tried to make me drop her by what you said. There is no apology in the world that can make that better.

Another part of growing up is learning to let go. Let go of the things you can’t fix or change, let go of the dreams you had as a kid, let go of those things that aren’t good for you. Right now, our relationship is all of those things. I always wanted to make you happy and do things that would make you proud. I appreciate and accept your apology for attacking me, but I believe it is in mine and Lil G's best interests to not have contact with you for a while. I do not hate you. I’m not even angry. But I need to put a stop to something that is quickly spiraling out of control before I start to feel those things. Right now, I am not ready to discuss this decision. I simply ask you to respect my decision on what is best for me and my daughter. I hope there will come a time when we can move past this, but for right now, I am putting my daughter’s safety and happiness before anything else

Job-ness--and arguments

So...Papa D and I had a talk/argument. It started out as a discussion about me quitting my job. I was under the impression that he wanted me to find a better job or part time weekend/evening job. He apparently only wants that to happen if it will be worth it. This is great from my perspective. We're currently looking at me quitting after Papa D starts working. The hardest part at this point is potentially having to find day care for 2 weeks. I would like to let them know that I will be done at the end of the project (same day Papa D starts his new job), but Papa D would like me to wait until he has everything squared away and starts. My own personal feelings are that I should give fair notice...2 weeks...we are currently 2 weeks away from the end of the project, but Papa D seems to think that I should wait until he starts working.

The argument comes in with him thinking I don't do enough. I feel like I'm a WOHM trying to explain to a SAHM that what I do isn't easy...that work isn't a vacation from the baby. He had a huge temper tantrum because the dishes weren't done. Nevermind the fact that I had started to do them yesterday until he had a temper tantrum because I was making "too much noise". Thus I stopped cleaning because he was being an ass. And then today he freaked out on me because nothing was cleaned. So I started crying...at a total loss as to what he wanted out of me...so then he freaked out and said he couldn't talk to me because I was crying. Umm...I can still have a conversation while crying...although there isn't much conversing going on when a person is screaming and banging shit around. So I took Lil G and went and finished the laundry he did, but never finished (and then bitched about it not being done) as well as doing more. Finally put Lil G to sleep and went to have a cigarette.

I have since cleaned up the living room a bit more and done 8 loads of laundry (or something like that). I will finish dishes in the morning...whether he's sleeping or not and whether it makes noise or not. If he pitches a fit, I will take the baby and not come back. I will call in to work, if I have to. I am tired of him thinking that I have it easy. I also really really want to be able to stay home so I can clean like I want to.

I love him, but right now, he's driving me crazy. He needs to work, I need to stay home...before we kill each other.

Letter to my aunt

I made a decision on how to approach my family situation. I'm taking it slowly, though, because I want it to be done correctly. I have decided to write a letter outlining how I feel and what action I am taking. The letter is below. I welcome any suggestions and/or criticisms in regards to this letter, as I want to make sure it makes sense, appears calm and rational, and as anti-inflammatory as possible. Thanks :)

Dear Aunt CG,

I have been trying very hard these past few months to understand my own feelings as well as yours. It has not been easy to do either one. When I first found out about Guin, you were so supportive…you made feel better about a situation that led me to feel a lot of guilt. And part of that is why everything that has happened recently is so hard for me.

You have repeatedly told me since she was born that I’m a mother now and I need to grow up. Part of growing up is realizing that the world doesn’t always work the way it should and the way you want it to. I realize this now. I am a mother, now. And my priority has to be to my child. I wish that it coincided with the rest of my family, but I can’t find a way to do that right now. I’ve done a lot of searching for answers that I’m not sure I will ever have.

I was in an abusive relationship once, and there are too many parallels for me to ignore. The last person who said the things you have said to me and done the things you have done to me was him. I cannot subject my child to that, even if it’s not directed at her. I cannot subject myself to that again. It took a long time for me to get to where I am and be able to recognize that I am a person of worth. I will not jeopardize that. I said some things that I know hurt you. I am sorry I hurt you. It is not behavior that I am proud of by any means.

I was raised to be a strong woman. I have my family to thank for that. But I was also raised to believe that my family would be there for me always. I don’t feel that this is the case. I held my family to a higher standard, believing that they would treat me better than the rest of the world. Unfortunately, I feel that because you are family, the opposite is true—that I have to forgive treatment that would be unthinkable by others. It’s very black and white, but it’s the way I see it. If you had simply attacked me, if you had done the same thing as usual and berated me and belittled me, I can honestly say that your apology would be enough. But you physically attacked me while I was holding my 3-month-old baby. I felt you tried to make me drop her by what you said. There is no apology in the world that can make that better.

Another part of growing up is learning to let go. Let go of the things you can’t fix or change, let go of the dreams you had as a kid, let go of those things that aren’t good for you. Right now, our relationship is all of those things. I appreciate and accept your apology for attacking me, but I believe it is in mine and Guin’s best interests to not have contact with you for a while. I do not hate you. I’m not even angry. But I need to put a stop to something that is quickly spiraling out of control before this happens. This is not open for discussion and I will not respond to any communication regarding this, direct or indirect. I simply ask you to respect my decision on what is best for me and my daughter. I hope there will come a time when we can move past this, but for right now, this is me growing up and putting my daughter’s safety and happiness before anything else.

B

when family is the enemy

Being the bigger person. I've been the bigger person for ages. I've bit my tongue, hidden my feelings, nodded my head, hid in a corner with a book...anything to keep the peace. But I'm done. My family says its because I need to grow up. I say it's because I did.

Aunt CG started this weekend attempting to make things better...in her way. I decided to try to meet her in the middle. We were both pleasant to each other, joking around. I was willing to let the stuff she said to me when Lil'G was born go...move on for the sake of my mom. And then I went to say good bye. And it wasn't good enough that I was working at just letting it go and forgiving...without an apology. She started apologizing to me for my behavior. So I flat out asked her if she felt that what she did was right. She said it was justified because I hurt her first. That's right. It's perfectly acceptable to call somebody a bitch and a whore and tell them they're dead to you...as long as they hurt you first.

She proceeded to kick me out of her house and then told me to grow up (because I unfriended Aunt CM for a status message on FB...ooooh....no....unfriended). I told her she needed to grow up. She proceeded to push me down the stairs of her deck WHILE I HAD Lil'G IN MY ARMS. That's right...she attempted to harm me AND my daughter. I stopped, stunned, and said "I have a baby in my arms!" She came at me and started to choke me shaking me saying "You know what happens when you drop that baby?" She was TRYING to get me to drop Guin, knowing that I could either attempt to defend myself or keep my baby safe. Luckily, she's like 6" shorter than I am, so I stomped on her foot and pushed her off with my elbow. Got away and kept walking.

Got back to my mom's house and she proceeded to tell me how I'm being ridiculous (she claims she told Aunt CG the same thing, I don't remember hearing it). I basically laid out 14 years of emotional baggage in 2 hours. I think I realized at some point, my mom shut down. But I don't think I cared. I needed to tell her all the things I thought and felt about that woman. She still doesn't believe me when I say that she treats me no better than my abusive ex did. Even though we've now gone to the further parallel of both of them choking me because they didn't get their way. Anyway.

My mom asked why the me that showed herself in IC couldn't be the me that showed herself when I visited. I told her "You don't want that B". She looked at me confused. "You have had that B. This is that B. A B that stands up for herself, that calls people on their inappropriate behavior, that isn't afraid of what people think. You don't want that B. You want the B that used to sit on the corner of the couch with a book. You want the B that was afraid to make waves. That B is gone." She asked me why I seemed so much more relaxed with the people in IC. I told her "Because they're not mean to me. They don't rip me apart for my decisions. They don't make me feel like less of a person just by being there. I can tell them they're being a bitch...and we can go our separate ways for a while...and still come back and be friends. Because the people of IC will own up to their mistakes, as will I."

I also told her that Aunt CG is insane and needs help and that by continuing to keep the peace and kiss her ass so she doesn't fly off the handle, they are not helping her. They're harming her. She needs to be held accountable for her actions. She needs to realize that there are consequences. I told my mom that I apologized for hurting her 3 months ago...that was never my intention when I sent the original email asking her not to visit. But I want recognition that she hurt me. That I am a person, too. Nobody in that family has recognized the hurt they caused me. I am supposed to just "be the bigger person" and let it all go...but they aren't. And I'm not going to be a door mat anymore. They can realize that they need to treat people the way they want to be treated.

I have realized that I am standing alone on this one. But I will stand. I have spent therapy and drugs trying to regain my equilibrium. I will be DAMNED if one person will rip that away from me...family or not, her behavior was reprehensible and unforgivable.

After unloading on my mom, I packed up and left. Apparently, so did my mom. My dad thought she was going to my aunt's house, my aunt thought she was at home. finally, at about 8pm, they figured out she was neither. She had been gone for 5 hours at this point. My family, always one to keep it in the family, did not alert the police. Not that they would have done something, but you know...in a town that is 3 square miles, they may have seen her walking around. After fruitlessly searching, I sent out a message on FB to my HS classmates. I simply said she went for a walk 5 hours previous and nobody had heard from her. If anybody had seen her, please call me. Within in 20 minutes, she had been found. Nobody but my brother and sister know that I was the one who found her.

Then my Aunt BJ called...yup...all my fault my mom was missing (because I didn't already feel guilty). If I hadn't done what I did to Aunt CG. Right. Because she carries no blame. When I refused to discuss it with BJ, she stormed up the hill to tell my mom I was a drug pusher because I gave into my cousin (her son) and sold his girlfriend some percocet 2 years ago. I was jobless, had just had surgery, was living with her son and needed money. I haven't asked for the money I never received from that girl in over a year. I just wanted my book back. I got the book, and let the rest drop. So in reality, I gave her some percocet. Whatever. Shouldn't have done it, but you do stupid shit when family asks you to (or I did). She then flipped out on me because I supposedly called her son a drug addict. Ummm...no...I said I was concerned because I knew he was popping Rx pills with his friend. And this was at least 6 months after the percocet incident...and he doesn't take percocet because it makes him nauseous. I then said some hurtful things about her other son. I later apologized. It was not right for me to try to use her children to hurt her. However...she accepted my apology and then proceeded to tell me how I was wrong...about Aunt CG and needed to be the bigger person. No...I am being the bigger person. I didn't press charges on her ass.

Just a bit OT: The whole thing she did to me reminds me of a story they used to tell...of how she threw a pop bottle when angry at my uncle's first wife (who was holding her daughter at the time)...everybody always said that she never threw it at the woman (even though she claimed she did)...I have to wonder if that is true, now. If she was willing to make me drop my baby...what would have stopped her from trying to hurt another baby years ago?

ERGOBaby carrier give away, WOOT

Get in before midnight PST to enter for a chance to win an ERGOBaby Carrier! I want one so bad, I've done everything but join Twitter...I don't want one THAT badly.

http://intheknowmom.net/?p=5531&cpage=13#comment-16773

Birthday Winery-palooza

The map of my trip I'm planning for my Birthday! We'll hit up 4 wineries, and then camp for the night and then hit up the last 4. The Monchichi will go camping with us, and it will be a grand adventure!
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Thanks for letting me play, now can I be a mommy again?

I'm back at work. The only thing keeping me sane is my bbcb ladies, the fact that I'm only part time right now, and liking my job. I'm always balancing on the verge of a breakdown. I hate coming home to hear about this awesome new thing she did. I hate missing it. I don't want to be working. I want to be at home, cuddling and playing with and taking care of my baby. I miss her...I'm glad that PapaD is the one to be taking care of her, though. I just keep hoping that he will get a job that can allow me to stay home.

I lost my train of thought...all I know is it takes every ounce of willpower in my body to kiss her on the forehead and walk out that door every day.

Ashamed

I stopped taking my prozac because I was afraid it was hurting my baby. Probably not the brightest decision to make without doctor input, but PapaD made me feel like a failmom because I was taking a medication that could be adversely affecting our child's growth.

Fast forward

I'm nearly in tears. Lil'G woke up at 4:30 this morning fussing. I put her pacifier in and fell back asleep for 10 minutes, only to hear her fussing again. I get up, start a bottle, change her, feed her. Then starts the wrestling match. She WILL NOT LIE STILL. Even if I'm holding her. Flailing...EVERYWHERE. My tiredness and irritability and frustration knows no bounds. I tense up my arms and squeeze her a bit. It won't hurt to just give her a little shake, right? She needs to stop doing this and maybe she'll be startled enough to do so.

Thank goodness my rational brain was awake at this point. I laid her down in front of me on the couch (I'm sitting sideways). She's staring at me. She poops. I sigh. But now I don't trust myself to pick her up. We stare at each other for a while. I post on BBC. She poops some more. I read some posts on BBC and update my facebook status. We stare at each other a while longer. I put her in a sposie because I didn't want to wrestle with her and try to get a PF on her. We stare at each other some more. The guilt I feel for almost shaking her is exceeded only by the fact that she's currently a vision of something I swore she would never be. A baby with a dirty sposie and a pacifier shoved in her mouth and held there with a little more force than necessary.

I'm going back on the meds. Even if the doctor suggests stopping, I'm not going to. I go back to work on Tuesday and I can barely deal with her when I can sleep off and on. I'm terrified of what I will become when I have to do something other than care for her. She has finally gone to sleep. Her 2 month appt is this morning. What am I going to do if she gets fussy today after her shots? What if I hurt her in my frustration? I'm afraid to nap right now because I feel so guilty...like I don't deserve sleep. How am I going to survive this week?

Sans prozac--still alive

Alright. Lil'G's stomach issues are starting to clear up...I think. she still has crazy poos, but they're the correct color, so I'm gonna go with a win on that one. She's still vomiting, though, and that worries me. I have learned a few things this week:

1. People are allergic to avocado and it appears that my child is one of them

2. My child (thank GAWD) is not sensitive to wheat gluten or eggs, so I can eat cookies again

3. She also is not sensitive to chocolate

4. I really really really really really really really really don't want to go back to work, but I must.

5. I can survive my depression without medication--I think

I learned that prozac may have a negative impact on nursing infants' growth. That's right. All this crap trying to get my baby to gain weight faster, and the meds that keep me sane are what is causing my crazy anxiety.

I stopped taking the prozac because I was a little sketchy with it anyway. I'm doing okay. Significantly more irritable than normal, but not super down. I hope it continues to be this way. I also hope that Lil'G starts to gain weight. It's started to worry me when people say "She's so tiny". I feel like she's not, but now I know where the perception lies.

She has an appt tomorrow. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for breaking 10 pounds. That will put her at 2 pounds in 2 months. Average. She was so close last week, I don't know how she can be anything BUT over. But we'll see.

I would right more, but my eyes are crossing. I need to put dinner away and go to bed.

Chocolate Chai Sorbet

that's right...deliciousness

1/2 c sugar

1/4 c cocoa powder

3/4 c chocolate chai rice milk

1/2 tsp vanilla

Put ingredients in a sauce pan and whisk together. bring to a boil 1-2 minutes. Remove from heat and put in a container. Freeze.

Black bean and salsa soup

Black Bean and Salsa Soup

1 lb dried black beans

1 ham hock

1 large box chicken stock

ground cumin

ground coriander

garlic powder

dehydrated onions

oregano

salt

pepper

soak the beans over night and drain

put in a crock pot on high with all of the chicken stock and the ham hock

let cook for 8 hours

remove ham hock

puree beans

add seasonings to taste

simmer on low for 1-2 hours

cut up the meat from the ham hock and return to the pot

serve topped with fresh salsa

Salsa:

roma tomatoes

onion

jalapeno

lime juice

salt

hot sauce

cilantro

garlic

chop finely and mix together

and another score for cream-free frozen treats

Sorbet:

2 c. frozen strawberries

2 frozen bananas, broken into pieces

1/4-1/2 c. rice milk (or alterna milk of your choice)

sweetner to taste

put strawberries and bananas in food processor for 10 minutes to thaw slightly

start food processor.

add milk

continue until smooth, scraping down the sides occasionally.

add sweetner of your choice to taste (liquids work better for blending)

Doctor visit numero dos

So...went to my BF'ing group. Lil'G has only gained 4.5 oz. Not terrifying, but worrisome...especially given her previous weight gain. Nurse watched her during group and had suggested at the beginning of the group that I go to the doctor if she wasn't better by Friday. By the end of the group, she said "I wouldn't even wait that long". So I called the doctor on the way home and got an evening appt. Saw a different doctor than before, and she seconded the virus, but could see that I was iffy about this diagnosis...so we're scheduled to go back Monday. Until then, we're back on newborn schedule with Lil'G getting woken up and fed every two hours.

worrying

so...ariaden tells me that my bf'ing group is giving me a complex. i kind of agree with her and wasn't going to go anymore...until i thought to get a weight on my scale. my scale measured her at 5oz less than the group's scale did...LAST WEEK. So now I have to go back one more time...to make sure she didn't lose weight.

Is there ANYTHING I can eat, now?

Okay...so Lil'G has been diagnosed by the ped as having a viral infection and/or an allergic reaction. I am starting a Big 8 elimination diet. This means no dairy, soy, wheat gluten, nuts, eggs, fish, shellfish, or peanuts. Luckily, most of this stuff isn't in my regular diet...unfortunately, I think I'll die. 2 weeks without milk/cheese (which I've already done 3, so it's not THAT bad), anything that contains wheat...WTF...that's like...everything...nuts or eggs. I was going to have french toast this week...not so much anymore...sandwhiches? nevermind...good bye walnuts and almonds and peanut butter...but hopefully things will start to get better and we can re-introduce most of these things.

6 weeks and in the ER

So...I feel like I pulled a FTM classic...the freakout.

To begin. Lil' G has exhibited signs of dairy intolerance. So I gave up my precious cheeses and milk. Things started looking better. I discovered, through my binge on edamame, that she also has a soy intolerance. *sigh*... Things start looking up again.

Insert projectile vomiting. And green foamy, runny poo. And a baby who has a temperature of 100.1. I know we're not quite to the 100.4 stage, but really...please...who wants to sit around and wait for that last 3/10 of a degree!?

So...call the on-call doctor. She says go to the ER. We go to the ER where she was born. They want to draw blood. If you have never had to have your infant's blood drawn, thank whatever higher power you ascribe to. Seriously. Poor Joe The Lab Guy (that's what his name tag said...not kidding) with his spiked hair and tattoos was sweating bullets as my 9lb, 6 week old baby screamed her lungs out for 20 minutes while he scooped drops of blood off her heel. After he was done, I scooped her up and cuddled her and apologized to her. He did, too and escaped as quickly as possible. We hang out, feed her pedialyte...keeps that down. Feed her half pedialyte/half milk. Lil' G spits up some, but nothing super major. All they keep telling me is her labs are coming back fine. They say it might be rotavirus, but as long as she stays hydrated, she's fine. 5 hours later, they let us go...the verdict: Infant Colic. That's right...the same baby that was flirting with the male nurse and babbling to the other nurses has infant colic. The discharge nurse basically suggested I get a second opinion on Monday.

We get home. Both of us are exhausted. I had called my mom to let her know Lil' G is sick and we won't be visiting this weekend as planned. Then I vent about the verdict. My mom does not agree...neither do I. The discharge nurse had mentioned pyloric stenosis. I start fretting. Decide that if things don't change by morning, we'll go to the U. 3:00am, we get up to feed her...and she's not wet. 4am. still not wet. this is 6 hours without peeing. I decide to take her in to the ER then. We go to the U. Her vitals look fine and her temperature is down. They cath her for a urine sample. Only slightly less traumatic than the blood draw. After everything comes back, they're going to send me home with a big "I don't know" when Lil'G poops. It is the stank-nastiest poop she has ever had in her life and completely green liquid. The doctor looks at it and goes "oh. oh my." and leaves the room. 20 minutes later she comes back. They've ordered an abdominal ultrasound to rule out pyloric stenosis. We wait about 2 hours for the radiology team. We go up to the ultrasound room. Lil'G is totally non-cooperative, squirming all over the place. The tech does her best and goes to get the doctors. Lil'G and I lay down on the u/s table and she passes out. A doctor comes in with the tech. Lil'G stays passed out and they can finally get a good shot at her pylorus. No problems. It looks good. The doc then moves around to look at her esophagus, since she has food in her belly. No signs of reflux. More pictures of the pylorus, and we are sent back down to the ER to wait for the official verdict. Finally, the verdict comes in. "Not pyloric stenosis. We don't know. Not an infection, not dehydration. Not reflux." Well...we know a lot of what it isn't. I'm crying in frustration at this point...I've had 3 hours of sleep. I haven't eaten. I had to dump 5oz of breast milk down the drain because it had been 6 hours since I pumped it. My baby is still spitting up. Her poop is still grass-green and liquid with no fat. And nobody can tell me why.

The doctor who got to draw the short straw and tell me there's nothing the ER can do for her at this point and to go see my ped on Monday suggests she's overeating. "She's eating more than my 3 month old." Then your 3 month old is underfed...because she's barely taking in 24oz in 24 hours...less than the recommended amount at her age. I think I taught him about breast feeding, to be honest. He tells me she might just be spitty. That's right. But he knows nothing about baby poop except that babies change things like that frequently. NOT BREASTFED BABIES. *sigh*

His boss comes in to give me the discharge papers. She is a little more helpful and suggests a GI visit might be necessary. She also mentions allergies. This is not something they treat in the ER, but something to bring up with my doctor when we see her on Monday (I made an appt between idiot-man and her visits). This is something I can research and grab onto. There is hope that I can fix this. Lil'G and I go home. We have now spent a total of 13 hours in the ER in the past 24 hours. We have no answers, except that as long as she stays hydrated, she won't die and will make it to the doctor on Monday.

Lil'G is passed out when we get home. I don't even bother trying to wake her to eat or change...she goes to bed. I get food before I pass out and then I join her. I ask PapaD to wake me in 3 hours. He says "okay. I won't" And walks out. I just sigh and go to sleep. When I wake up, Lil'G is still sleeping. I go pump and come back. Still sleeping. I crawl into bed with her and go back to sleep. She fusses and wakes me up an hour later. Not wet. 5 hours without a wet. Here we go. She had pooped, though...so as I was disposing of the poopy diaper, I come back...there is a flood on the changing table (yes, I'm evil and leave her on the changing table since the only place she can go from there is in the pnp). That's right...my child has night-potty trained herself already.

She's still much more sleepy than usual. But her poops are more normal...though there is definite signs of bloody mucus. I'm just holding it together until tomorrow. Hopefully we will have some answers.

OKAY! So...cutting dairy out sucks balls. HOWEVER...deliciousness can be had without the cream. I introduce, Banana Ice Cream.

2.5 frozen bananas

2 T chocolate almond milk

Blend until the consistency of soft serve.

Your body will thank you...and so will your baby!

Update

I keep getting told I should apologize to my aunt. That because I told her she needed to be considerate of me, I was out of line. I have yet to apologize. I'm basically trying to figure out a way to smooth things over without actually apologizing. Because I know I won't get one from her. My mom also said I owed my sisters an apology. So I apologized...and got "I know". But before I apologized, I told my mom that I wanted an apology as well. She didn't seem to understand why. That was the point where I decided I wasn't going to apologize just because it would make things better.

I feel outrageously guilty. My mom managed to lay it on thick. I've been fighting the feeling that I should call my aunt and apologize for days. But I know the only reason I want to do that is to make her life easier, to make it better. Not because I feel like I owe anybody an apology. And that knowledge is the only thing keeping me strong. I also told my mom that I want respect as an adult. I don't want them telling me when they're going to show up, calling me 10 mins before they arrive, etc. Treat me like you would any other adult with an infant.

I have recognized that I have PPD. The Prozac is keeping it under control, but it's not gone. I'm trying very hard to deal with it on my own, but am also looking for a support group for PPD. I plan on asking the social worker at my BF'ing group if she can point me in the right direction. I also need to make an appt with my FP to talk about the dosage of the medication. My mom still doesn't understand why I'm having such a hard time dealing with things. I don't know how to explain it better, so I'm just leaving it alone and trying not to take her "advice" too personally.

I think I at least need a new mom's group or something. My BF'ing group is nice, and i love my online ladies, but I need adult lady contact, i think...without the guilt my family gives me.

All or nothing?

Okay. So...my family disowned me. That doesn't mean that I disowned them. I love my Mom and no matter what happened I would not deprive her of a relationship with her only grandchild. She was upset because I didn't call after Lil'G's appt on Friday. She was fussy and I was so busy dealing with her, it didn't cross my mind to call Grandma right away and let her know that everything is fine. So anyway. Called her last night. She cried the whole time. She didn't think I would call. What? I have called once a week every week for the past 10 years (give or take). Why on this green earth would I not call? Oh...yeah...because I asked your overbearing sisters to not visit me 2 days after I was discharged. Apparently, my family doesn't grasp the concept of "on my terms". I'm sure, eventually, we'll get it figured out. Just blows my mind that my family thinks the only way to have a relationship with them is on their terms.

On another note, Lil'G's cyst blistered and popped. It appears to be healing today. I hope it doesn't get infected. She's too little for surgery right now. i would like to be able to put it off until she's a little bigger if at all possible. Currently, there is no indication that it's become infected. You can see the points where it burst open, but they are scabbed over and appear to be closed again. Oh...and her umbilical stump fell off today...YAY!

Down Day

I think maybe the prozac isn't working? I don't know but I'm lying here on the couch with my baby girl on my chest...and i'm just crying...not sobbing uncontrollably, but crying. I want to feel good, but I'm still upset about the birth and my family and I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to enjoy my baby because of everything else. My incision hurts worse today...but also the nerves above the numb spot on my belly are sore for some reason.

I just want to be me...but so much in my world and life has changed, I'm not sure I know who I am anymore.

Okay...so I lied

I do care. My family has always been something that is important to me. It's the way I was raised. But I don't know how to deal with this. More and more in recent years I have noticed that my family is there for people...on their terms. They always preach how they are always there for you, but they're not. They are there for us as long as we bow to their whims and their schedules. I can't do it anymore. I have friends who are more reliable than family when it comes to support. And those friends are amazing. My family has even gone so far as to say I chose my boyfriend over them. Well...let's see...he's the father of my CHILD.

I just don't know how to cope with this on top of everything else. I'm starting to worry that I can't.

My family hates me...and I don't care

So...my family is overbearing, I understand this. They are my family and I have defended them to no end to D and anybody else who questions why I put up with things from them. But I am breaking this cycle of emotional manipulation and verbal abuse...because that's what it is. I had Lil'G on Tuesday night...just before midnight.

My mom was concerned and came over to see me when I got out. Good...thanks...I love you. They didn't leave until 4:00 am. That is right...I just had my guts pulled out and put back in and have a new baby that I haven't really even met and my mom is camped out in my hospital room for hours. This turned into days. My poor father was stuck with her. For 3 days, my mom sat and stared at me while I struggled with breast feeding and had my pad and incision checked. For 3 days, I didn't sleep when baby slept, I slept a little at night. I was then INFORMED that more family would be visiting me once I got home. Nobody asked if I was okay with this. I was just told it would be happening.

I get home and mom and dad leave right away. *sigh of RELIEF*...I believe that my younger sister is coming to visit the next day. Fine...I can handle her. Well...it became my mom, my younger sister, and my older sister. And they didn't give me any warning. I got a call 10 minutes before they arrived saying they were going to be here. They had a 3.5 hour drive in which to call and say "Hey...we're on our way." I could have had the baby fed, awake, myself showered, etc.

They get here, Lil'G is asleep. So of course, my mom wakes her up. She starts crying. Nobody can console her, so they hand her to me. I ask for her pacifier (which nobody has tried inserting into her mouth). My little sister says "Let her cry. Babies are supposed to cry." WTF?!?! She's 4 days old and hasn't had any good sleep because everytime she slept, my mom was there to wake her up. I'm getting impatient at this point. Mom then says something about moving out of our current place. Dave says something about putting up with a lot of shit lately. He then leaves the room to let me deal with the ensuing insanity.

I explain that we're tired and trying to learn how to take care of a baby and it's hard to do when people are over all the time. They think I'm overreacting. It escalates into a huge blow-out between me and my mom and my sisters and eventually everybody turns it into an issue between me and my older sister because I can have babies and she can't. Things finally calmed down, but Lil'G now needed fed. I very awkwardly tried to cover myself while feeding...and my mom uncovered me. And they all three stared at me while I BF'ed my baby. I feel somewhat traumatized by this. I'm terrified of going to my parents' house to visit once my mom stops being pissed and having this happen again. They finally leave all butt-hurt because they came to see the baby and apparently I shouldn't have any say because they're not here to see me.

I send an email shortly after they leave and D and I talk to my aunt asking them not to come tomorrow (now today) because I need time to rest and recuperate. My aunt basically tells me fine, but she can't come see me EVER because it was such a hassle to rearrange things to come this weekend, and she has a life. My response and her response follow:

"you know what. When I get super powers, I'll let you know. In the mean time I had my stomach cut open, my insides taken out, a baby pushed out of it, and then I was put back together. I didn't get much rest in the hospital and haven't had much rest since. When you can be considerate of that, let me know. I'm sorry it's such an inconvenience for you to come see me when I feel better." --Me

"yuo fucking learn to be considerate and not have a fucking attitude that you are so fucking great don't talkt o me any more you are dead"--her

Yeah. Because I just had major surgery and want time to rest before I have to entertain more people, she has declared me dead to her. All this drama is also carried out by phone where she screamed fuck you at me at least 20 times and then hung up. My mom then called me and informed me they wouldn't come see me at all. And I asked why? Because they did so much to come this weekend. Yeah...because it fit in their schedule to come this weekend...no matter that I wasn't feeling up to visitors.

My mom took their side. I was also told that they were here to see the baby and I should feel no obligation to entertain people. Umm...you're in my HOUSE...any good hostess would feel that obligation. I finally, after she repeated this, said "I am not a non-entity in this. If you are here, you are in my house. I will always feel that need." Said I got what I wanted "for people to leave me alone." I told her that was not what I wanted...that I just wanted some consideration when people make plans for my time...for them to consult me. That maybe I would have more time for people if they bothered to ask my schedule. She didn't seem to understand. I sent her a couple of articles to try to explain what I was feeling. She still isn't talking to me.

I have to admit, though, standing up for myself felt good. I cried the rest of the day...was still crying 12 hours after they left. I thought for sure my family had sent me over the edge into PPD. I feel much better today, though. I've been able to sleep when baby sleeps and I need to, feed without scrutiny, and...in all honesty...thank GOD I don't have to deal with my aunt anymore.

Lil'G's crazy birth

I went in at 10pm on 4/20 for an induction. When I arrived, I was told that the pitocin had been pushed back to 2 am, but they'd get me hooked up and get a baseline reading and let me sleep till they started the meds. They hooked me up to the monitors and her HR was 175. For 20 minutes it wouldn't drop below 170. The doctor came in. Since I hadn't been started on meds, they decided she was in distress and I was rushed away for an emergency c-section. Dave tried to slow things down so I could catch up, but the doctors felt that it was necessary.

I agreed to the c-section and essentially went into shock. I was shaking so bad when they put the spinal in, they had to stop and ask me to hold my breath. I don't remember much of the surgery, except that when I finally saw her (they had the clean-up station on my side of the curtain), I cried, and they kept talking about her pooping. After they had her cleaned up, she and Dave went to recovery while they sewed me back together.

I found out she had passed meconium in the womb, and that my placenta had started to fail a few days prior. Her umbilical cord had started to shrink and she wasn't getting enough nutrients. I was only 10 days over-due.

We're both doing well, now. Resting at home. Perhaps tomorrow I will be rested enough to share the fantastic wonder that was my recovery.

Babby soon...WHAT!?

Went to my doc on Friday, figured I'd hear the same thing about nothing much and see you next week...umm...no.

Went from nothing last week to 80% effaced and fingertip dilated this week. Doc thinks if things continue to progress at this pace, I won't be making it to my next appointment. Exciting...but abso-fucking-lutely terrifying. I don't have food ready, I don't have pads, I don't have film for the good camera, i don't have batteries for the digital, I am entering panic-mode...and even more afraid that I'm panicking for nothing and will pregnant for a few more weeks. but the BH are more consistent...about every 10 mins or so...which is another sign of impending labor...so maybe he's right. if he is...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

SERIOUSLY!?!

I'm 39 weeks pregnant. And my family can't figure out why I don't want to drive 3.5 hours for Easter (7 hours total). Ummm...HELLO!?! That's about all...

No sign of babby...just insane cravings for thai food. I'm going to try to make my two faves at home the next time. I love curry, but there's a beef basil dish that I finally found a recipe for (I think).

Oh...and my sister is not pregnant. I really feel bad for her, and it has made it a little more awkward for me. I don't know what to do or say. And I'm back to the guilt for being able to get pregnant...my mom tells me I need to reach out to her...and I can't avoid her. I know this...but HOW? How does a person who is accidentally miserably pregnant at this point connect with a person who can't get to that point, no matter what she does?

Family Drama in a nutshell

Okay...been a while, but here's an update.

I was put on anti-depressants because my doc is worried about PPD. I've been on them before and feel like once things are "safe" after the baby is born, I can get off of them again. I feel like the last straw, though, was my sister. I realized why she was so anxious to find a location, and it had nothing to do with my baby shower.

She started IVF treatments. Started them within days of booking a baby shower location, in fact. It was HER schedule she was worried about. I would LOVE to be ecstatic for her. She will have found out this week if the first treatment took. Probably yesterday or today. I just keep hoping she keeps it under wraps until after my baby shower...which is Sunday.

I am happy for her...she wants a baby so badly. But part of me is just screaming "You couldn't have waited TWO MORE MONTHS!?!" like...really...is it so bad to me just have my day? I think that this is seriously what sent me over the edge into the funk.

On another note. My mom told me what my family got me for the baby shower...because it wasn't off my registry. Okay...well...one problem...I was a moron and didn't take the bath tub off the registry when i got the freebie from work...so now I will have two bath tubs. This alone is not a problem...except that the same day my mom emailed me, my friend bought the carseat I registered for...my mom bought a travel system. I assumed that since the registry said the car seat was purchased, my mom had bought it. WRONG. D got home today and there's the Graco snugride hanging out on my deck. *sigh* So now I will have to take it back and explain to my friend why I don't have it. She will most likely be disappointed, but understand. We plan on potentially using the store credit to get a convertible seat for when the baby is bigger. If the credit doesn't expire before then. If it does, then we can potentially use it for other things we need (like more diapers).

Oh...and my family is descending on me Saturday instead of Sunday...thank god I am taking tomorrow off work...hopefully I can finish cleaning the house. The bedroom is the biggest issue. I just cleaned the kitchen last week...so it's just dishes and wiping things down this week. I think that's my update. :) The meds are starting to work, so I don't hate my sister and her turkey baster as much...and I even am optimistic about my sisters' and mom's extended visit.

Now...update on me

SO...my sister decided to go with the location downtown that I suggested first for the baby shower. Go figure. Also, I'm getting tested for pre-e. 2 times, now, I have peed into a bowl and poured it into a collection thing for 12 hours. The first time they were "unable to get a good baseline reading." I do not know what this means, I only hope it will not be a repeat issue with this second attempt. I should know what the results of all the labwork are tomorrow or Monday at the latest and will update you guys then. Until then, I'm still suffering from dizzy spells, headaches, and spots. The swelling is getting a bit worse...the spots are definitely worse...and the dizzy spells are better. I don't know if this is because I'm used to them, or because my BP isn't spiking as high. I'm basically doing the same thing with this that I am with my job situation...taking it one day at a time.

Oh yeah...and in case that didn't make it into a previous post. I may not have a job after March...but I won't know until the end of March. Which sucks ass.

Menu Day Three

So...day two and day three are switched from the original menu. This is because I forgot about the whole "soaking the beans" thing. Luckily, Wednesday is our "whatever" day during the week...so it was fairly easy to switch Tuesday and Thursday without issue.

A couple of notes: I replaced the butter with olive oil and the marjoram with oregano. I prepared this the day before and just put it in the crock pot for the day to cook. It was amazing.

Day Three: Old-fashioned black bean soup

1 pound dried black beans, picked over, soaked overnight, and drained

1 ham bone or ham hock

6 cups chicken broth or water

3 T unsalted butter

2 Med-sized onions, chopped

2 cloves of garlic, minced

1 c. chopped celery, including some leaves

1 tsp marjoram

1 bay leaf

salt to taste

freshly ground black pepper

1/2 c. dry sherry (optional)

1. Combine the drained beans, ham bone or hock, and broth in the slow cooker. Cover and cook on HIGH until boiling, about 1 hour

2. Meanwhile, in a large skillet over medium heat, melt butter. Add the onions, garlic, and celery and cook, stirring a few times, until softened. Add to the cooker along with the marjoram and bay leaf. Cover and cook on LOW 7 to 8 hours.

3. Discard the bay leaf and bone, returning any bits of meat to the soup. Puree in batches in a food processor. Taste to adjust the seasonings. Add some water to thin, if desired. Ladle into bowls and serve hot.

Menu Day Two

Crazy easy and crazy good. I don't even like pepperoni and I went back for seconds and ate leftovers the next day. Between D and myself, we ate the entire pan in 2 days.

Day Two: Bisquick Pizza bake

3 1/3c. Bisquick mix (see below for homemade bisquick)

1 c. milk

2 cans (8 oz each) pizza sauce

1 package (8 oz) sliced pepperoni

2 c. (8 oz) shredded mozzarella

1. Heat oven to 375F. Spray 13x9 glass baking dish with cooking spray. In a medium bowl, stir bisquick mix and milk until a soft dough forms.

2. Drop half the dough by spoonfuls evenly over the bottom of the dish. Drizzle 1 can pizza sauce over the dough. Scatter half the pepperoni over sauce. Top with 1 c. cheese. Repeat layers with remaining dough, sauce, pepperoni, and cheese.

3. Bake 20 to 25 minutes.

2008 General Mills. Best Bisquick Recipes.

Baking mix (aka...Bisquick)

9 cups flour

2/3 c. dry milk

3 T baking powder

2 tsp. salt

1 c. shortening

Mix flour and other dry ingredients. Cut in shortening. Store in an air-tight container for up to 6 months.

2004. Dining on a Dime.

Our venture into Menus

Okay...so D and I decided to venture into the land of menus...since we don't eat till like 10 if I have to make something when I get home...this way I can crock-pot most of our meals and it will be set ahead of time what we are eating. I've already failed! We're supposed to be having black bean soup tomorrow...but I can't do the prep stuff tonight because I forgot to soak the beans...may have to just rearrange things a bit...

Tonight: Clear Soup with Meatballs

This is not a crock-pot one, but I did prep everything the night before...it literally took about 20 minutes to come together...unfortunately, D won't be home till 9 or so. I used a package (8 oz) of fresh baby bellas in place of the mushrooms. I also used olive oil instead of peanut oil. I used a pound of beef (we're meat eaters), so I left the onion the same, upped the garlic, and added a little extra corn starch and a whole egg. Generally, the ground beef isn't "finely" ground around here, so I put it all in the food processor to mix together. This has the added effect of pretty evenly distributing everything as well as grinding the meat up a bit more. I think the instructions call for doing this anyway, but at least you don't have to worry about how fine your meat is. Also, I added more stock, as we added more meat and more mushrooms.

Clear Soup with Meatballs

4 to 6 dried Chinese mushrooms, soaked in warm water for 30 minutes

2 Tb Peanut oil

1 large onion, minced

2 garlic cloves, minced

1/2-inch piece fresh ginger root, bruised

2 1/4 quarts beef stock

1 Tb soy sauce

1 1/2 oz shredded kale, spinach, or Napa cabbage.

for the meatballs

6 oz finely ground beef

1 small onion, minced

1 to 2 garlic cloves, crushed

1 Tb cornstarch

a little egg white, lightly beaten

salt and fresh ground black pepper

1. Prepare the meatballs: Mix the beef with the onion, garlic, cornstarch, and seasoning in a food processor. Bind the mixture with sufficient egg white to make it firm. With wet hands, roll into tiny, bite-size balls; set aside.

2. Drain the mushrooms, reserving the soaking liquid. Trim off and discard the stems. Slice the caps finely and set aside.

3. Heat a wok or a large sauce pain. Heat the oil. Add the onion, garlic, and ginger and fry to bring out the flavors, but do not let them brown.

4. When the onion is soft, pour in the stock and bring to a boil. Stir in the soy sauce and mushroom slices and simmer for 10 minutes. Add the meatballs and cook for 10 minutes.

5. Just before serving, remove the ginger. Stir in the shredded kale, spinach, or cabbage. Heat through for 1 minute. Serve at once.

The Soup Bible. 2002 Barnes and Noble Books

Because Elaine requested it: Split Pea and Ham soup

1 lb split peas, soaked overnight

4 bacon slices

1 onion, roughly chopped

2 carrots, sliced

1 celery stalk, sliced

2 1/2 quarts cold water

1 sprig fresh thyme

1 bay leaves

1 large potato, roughly diced

1 ham hock

black pepper

1. Cut the bacon into small pieces. In a large saucepan, dry fry the bacon 4-5 minutes, or until crisp. Remove from the pan with a slotted spoon.

2. Add the onion, carrots, and celery to the fat in the pan and cook for 3-4 minutes until the onion is soft but not brown. Return the bacon to the pan with the water.

3. Drain the split peas and add to the pan with the thyme, bay leaves, potato, and ham hock and bring to boil. Lower heat, cover and simmer for an hour. (or as long as you like really...I simmered the shit out of those peas)

4. Remove the thyme, bay leaves, and ham hock. Process the soup in a blender or food processor until the desired consistency. Return to the pan. Cut the meat from the hock, add to the soup, and heat through. Season with black pepper.

The OTHER little one

Okay...so until I got pregnant, Brutus was my baby. I even carried him on my hip when he was a puppy and got tired. I know, I know...but I loves my baby. ANYWAY...

The past couple of months, he's been exhibiting some weird behavior. I'm not sure if it's behavioral or environmental. Basically...he'll pester to be petted...and then when I tell him no and to lay down because I don't want to pet him, he'll wander off to a different room and heave until he vomits bile. I don't want him to be sick, but at the same time, I would hate to pay for a vet visit because my dog is emotionally bulimic.

It seems to me it's more behavioral than environmental, mostly because it's only happend like 3 or 4 times in the past month...it's not consistent. We are going to try giving him a little food in the morning and a little food at night and see if that helps. We are also going to try letting him sleep in the bedroom, as well. I think he knows that something is up and is trying to compensate. I've been cutting back on the attention I pay him because I know that he won't get as much once the baby is here, and I'm thinking it might be more of a reaction to this.

I just don't know what to do...because he's been sick before...and this is not how he acts when he's sick. Another reason I feel it's more of a behavioral/emotional response to things than an actual physical response.